Oh God!

Never in my life did I think I would find myself here.

I mean it. Never!

Born in atheist Russia to an engineer father and a doctor mother, I grew up knowing there was no god.  What's more, there was a deep understanding that if you believe in a higher entity, you are deemed stupid.

How dare they put "in god we trust" on a quarter I first saw as an immigrant at the age of 12. Not only is it presumptuous. It is just plain stupid! Oh, the thoughts of a 12-yo. 

Needles to say, I did not seek spirituality. It wasn't just because I already knew, I didn't see the need to search. Still, even as a girl of 10, I walked around feeling alone and disconnected. This I remember very vividly. By then, I already had tears in my eyes walking to school where I was a model student and a great track runner.

Fast forward many decades, my-always-sick body decided enough was enough. It was very clear to me that in about two months, I would not be treading this earth again. 

Something inside was not willing to accept.

As a wise man told me once: "Hope never dies."

I was frantically searching now.. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have any lightning strike me. I was not seeking spirituality. I only wanted to be able to eat and sleep. And oh yeah! To have enough energy to walk a mile. That was my one great goal. 

And so the ground was prepped for an unexpected surprise. 

Meditation was my answer to a new life. A life I, once again, never, thought was possible for me. 

Before then, I only wanted to be kind. I only longed to be giving. I only wished to be happy and alive. Those things were for other people. I was doomed to be sad and moody.

It's been a long journey. In years, 10. In experience, timeless. A journey of some downs but so many more ups. Some very high ups. The body, mind, energy have been evolving and they have reached a certain peak.  I find myself standing on this peak at the moment with a deep realization: I have and always been a spiritual seeker. Without any understanding or awareness, the longing to be fully alive, which for so long has escaped me, has always been there. Hiding. Waiting for me to open the tightly closed lid.

When I sit with my eyes closed, I experience a world of great vastness within myself. Everything I do on the outside, everything I do with my body that gives me some joy, dancing, biking, hugging is always measured against a newly set gold standard: the joy and the profoundness of meditation.

I now know there is something significantly bigger that resides within the walls of this little body. And why should anyone care? Because, for me, the closer I am to this big something, the more it breathes within me, the more alive and beautiful I and my life become. 

We can call it god, we can call it the source, divinity.  In Hebrew, there are 7 names for this unnamed phenomenon. Doesn't matter. 

I still don't believe in god. I only know there is something else. Because it has happened and continues to happen to me. My eyes opened the minute I closed them.

For the first time in my life, I am proud to say that I am a spiritual seeker. I seek the living experience of that magical wisdom and knowing. I want to bask in it when I eat, sleep, work, or sit.

I have become a conscious spiritual seeker. 

What a blessing has fallen upon this little life.