Growing Up

A text message came in, inquiring about a story from my past. He wanted to dig deeper into a specific story I had shared, as he himself was discovering the mystery of past moments.

I became pensive. 

I was reminded of my childhood as a result of the words that appeared on my phone.

I remember the immigration process. Not very well. There are mostly gaps and holes but with few very vivid moments, for they must have carried their power and entered my psyche, leaving an impression.

I missed almost an entire year of school during the process. It was an unusual experience for a star student, though I continued my education, watching my dad play chess with my new, albeit slightly younger 10-yo friend, whom I had a crush on, because of his intelligence (he was obviously intelligent for winning against my dad who was the smartest man around!) and for his good looks.

I remember sleeping in a hut that was somewhere in the forest so dense, the floor that my mom mopped upon arriving was wet for days.

I recall living on mandarin and kiwi diet, for we could get large boxes of these fruit from the farmer's market, when the merchants wanted to unload all their excess food instead of taking it home. I don't remember eating anything else. 

I tried to communicate with a local girl via a dictionary that I carried in my pocket, learning how to read a different alphabet. Most of the adults around were learning English. I was trying to learn things, too. I did learn that the word for library was the same in Italian as it was in Russian.

I saw a grocery store that seemed gigantic while, in reality, it was probably the size of a convenience store but it looked like heaven to me. I saw colorful packages, meat wrapped in plastic, and bananas. In the winter! I had never before seen a grocery store with shelves full of items. Most of my life previous to that was spent standing in lines for 2-3 hours playing badminton and waiting for the store to open, so we could get our share of the sausage, or walking from store to store looking for bread and milk, because my mom ordered me to do so.

I tried to roller-skate in the small terrace in front of the house. I don't remember being very successful at it.

This experience of poverty and uncertainty. This experience of being uprooted at a young age. Of malnutrition. Of fear. I look around the world around me now and wonder: when did it become acceptable and agreeable to pay a million dollars simply to have four walls and a roof? When did we lose perspective on what is enough? And, at the kernel of it all, when will we become humble?

Equilibrium

There are all kind of people.

There are the ones who walk into a new place like they own it, stepping all over a clean carpet, throwing their belongings onto a chair and plopping down on a sofa.

There are the ones who walk into a new place like it's a temple, carefully removing their shoes by the front door, placing their belongings carefully in a corner where they won't disturb the ambiance and waiting for an invitation to fully enter.

There are people who need to be told ten times and others who know just from the intention of the eyes.

The skin of some is scarred by brute physical force while that of others is scarred by a careless touch.

Some live big, others live small. Some live loudly and others are unnoticed. 

The breakdown of some roars like a lion and the fall of others is a soft cry barely heard.

The world absorbs every kind. 

Maybe, just maybe, there will be a time when both extremes enter an equilibrium that could feel like a gentle touch so powerful that each one becomes larger than life itself without creating a rowdy disturbance.

The Past

No. Definitely not a scholar. Even philosophies have flown out the window at some unknown point. But I do believe there is a line in the so-called holy book that reads "Leave the dead to the dead." 

Maybe it can also say "Leave the past to the past."

We carry memories that determine our thoughts. Our thoughts define our actions. And the rest is obvious. Like this realization is so incredibly obvious precisely now. 

To live each day as a blank page. To create yourself everyday without reference to yesterday. Better yet, just live without having the need to define yourself, to create a shape or form or boundaries as to who you think you are, who you believe you are, how you perceive yourself to be. What if there is a possibility unknown to you? 

To walk the same mountain with a whole new experience. To look at the same face as if seeing it for the first time. To recognize the possibility of a brand new possibility within yourself. And another. To recognize you are endless. You are a deep mystery that needs an opening to make itself be known. 

The hidden must become visible. Available to the internal eye. The colors of the past can take a long vacation and rest indefinitely, for the road needs to be cleared of the debris collected over the course of decades and longer. 

Leave the past to the past and....

Nothing To Do

Feeling.
Stretching.
Lengthening.
Rising.
Arching.
Expanding.
Falling.
Disappearing.
Moving.
Penetrating.
Experiencing.
Drowning.
Reaching.
Opening.
Tensing.
Relaxing.
Merging.
Growing.
Pulsating.
Connecting.
Redirecting.
Clearing.
Energizing.
Nearing.
Distancing.
Freeing.
Being.
Flying.


Closed-eye sitting.

Fountainhead

I have a friend
Who was on your end
He spoke words of gold
To make sense of the world

The yin and the yang
Are pulled to the flame
The nature's game
To complete a full frame

A power so strong
Forgets and destroys
A force so true
Forgives and renews

To admit the need
To open the seed
To admit one's fault
And a wanting to hold

To become the one
To walk without harm
To see ahead
To live as a fountainhead

Victorious

Today had a victory.

While the internal world is too vast and the words to describe it are too limited, this little victory is noteworthy. Ironically, it has to do with words, or rather speaking. 

To keep it short, once a sense of fulfillment and completeness enters, the need to speak disappears. It feels disruptive to make a sound, for it would disturb a profound sense of wholeness. 

Today, a call was answered.

New Day

After the rain...
There is a sense of refreshment.
A feeling of newness.
Somewhat of a rebirth.

The clouds come and stay.
Breeze enters the sky.
The darkness wraps a blanket over everything.
Within it, something begins to churn.

Nothing is permanent.
Everything is remembered.
Hope is the last to die.
Spilling out the ball of poison.

Change is not yet.
All continues as it was.
Breathing is renewed.
Lightness accompanies the day.

Patiently, gently, consistently, slowly.
The warm rays of the sun are welcomed.

One Path

Seconds turn to minutes. Hours into days. Years pass by. Where is the road leading to? Perhaps, the road is not going anywhere at all. Perhaps it's not a long path forward but a deep dive inside. There is no end to the depth. 

Time moves rapidly one moment and crawls with the speed of a turtle the next. At times, there is an illusion that, maybe, something is around the corner. Sometimes, there is a stall or an apparently permanent stop. When the luck is high, there is a suggestion of movement. Like the growth of a plant, it is steady yet subtle, but mostly unnoticeable. 

Still, even with all the eagerness for change and clarity, the road is undefined. The road to nowhere or, perhaps, everywhere. What is this journey? One truth exists that hides itself like the night hides the light. And yet, time is unrelenting in its nature. Thoughts are flowing. Emotions are flaring. Energy is used up randomly. To fit all the pieces into a puzzle that places both feet on the path that is worth walking. Many paths with one to choose and commit to. Make yourself be known.

Enjoyment

"You have to sink the roots into the source of who you are. Whatever happens out of that, happens. And the best will happen."

Everyday, the Master pours this message into me. And into the segment of the world that listens to him.  Everyday, he reminds me of my mortal nature. Of the limited time. Of the importance doing only what matters. Of the need to know what matters. 

Nourishment. Get the nourishment for yourself. From within yourself. The rest of the world will respond accordingly.

Everyday, the Master pours his energy into me. And to those who want to hear him. Everyday, he reminds me of who I really am. Of who I am not. Of the perspective required to live well.

And everyday, I shed tears listening to his words, of experiencing him. Tears of gratitude. Tears of insignificance. Tears of the desire that is burning in me to break free, to live free, to be free. 

For you and me to enjoy.

The Question

Where are you, beloved?
Are you roaming in strange lands?
Are you counting clouds above you,
Or writing poetry in your head?

Walked a-many-lifetimes
Looking for the one
Whom to rise above with
Toward the countless stars

Will the moment of knowing
Come around this time?
Will the moon be glowing?
Will his way meet mine?

Can the taste of freedom
Be an everyday
Can we both be flying
Toward a nameless way

Where are you, beloved?
Are you far away?
In togetherness,
We walk through today

Music

And when the violins hit that one note, there is a space within me that is moved to the core and who I am becomes much too big for the body that I have. I want to spread out as big as the universe and expand in all directions. And all the pain and tears that have been residing in that deepest part of me and have held me captive want to burst forth and be released through the movements of my body coordinated with the rhythm of the music that is fueled by the composer's emotion and the musicians bringing out the message that was meant to be told. 

Surrender

Please take my small hand and place it into yours
Please lead me through the forest, be gentle yet firm
Please find a place of wonder, where harmony is
I simply want to rest and surrender my will

Like I should

I want to rise above it all
I want to sing the song of my soul

To finally return to the very root
To be and live like I really should

A Feat

I often question. 
I question myself.
Myself is an ever-changing entity.
What is the search for really?

I can use several words to express it.
My words are very limiting. 
Establish yourself first, then act. 
A feat of a lifetime.

Everything is a tool to reach the ultimate state.
Cannot get caught in the tool.
Embrace and value the support with full care and attention. 
Don't hold it too tightly.
Another feat of a lifetime.


I must share this video for those who wish to watch. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk4aN_ot5ww

In The End

Wanting nothing and everything.

Needing everything and nothing.

To be nothing and everything is the longing.





Be still, my child.
All answers are here. Now.





The bubbling of the love within brings a smile out.
To hold the other with love inspires somehow.
Breath becomes still while life enters.
Being as one is a natural consequence.

In Seek of Magic

Something is buried way down below.
It is hiding so deep, difficult to know it's even there.
It makes its appearance in unconscious behavior.
In the darkest hour or in the moment of sincere inquiry, it shows its face.
Fairies, gods, spirits, and angels, bring your magic potions. Provide fuel to walk to and through the cold. Put an end to the deep-seated fear.